I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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