please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
