it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Barsexuality is the new black.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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