So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize