Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
