After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
