wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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