"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
