i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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