i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
