Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
