ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
