i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
