i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
