see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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