We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
