My underwear smells like fireworks.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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