We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
