mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
