hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
