I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
