How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
