Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
