Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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