I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
