dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
