I heard we made out
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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