i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
