Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
