Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
