She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
