So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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