just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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