oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
