i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
