My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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