I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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