dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
