Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
