My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
