Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
