I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
