Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
