the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
