Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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