my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
