it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
and you said cock pushups were impossible
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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