apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
