you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
