I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
