She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There's always time for handjobs
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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