We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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