Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
