i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
time to smoke my breakfast
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
