Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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