Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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