Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
