im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
