dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
