I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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