Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
